It's weird how significant a quote this is, because where most people would take things day by day, we take things bite by bite. Our whole world changes every time we merely contemplate a single mouthful.
I remember a dreary time, in November where there was a ritual behind every meal. Wash hands, go to the toilet, wash hands again, get a glass of water in the tall glass. Get the ketchup and BBQ sauce out. Walk to door. Walk to table. Walk up to my room. Walk to bottom of the stairs. Walk to top of stairs. Walk downstairs. Sit down. Take a mouthful of water. Take in the meal before me. Strategically begin planning how I could hide or escape with eating as minimal amount of calories at possible. Separate the foods. Make space for ketchup. Begin eating veg, one centimetre square at a time. Placing my knife and fork down and taking a sip of water between each meal. Chewing 30 times no more no less.
Someone forcing me to eat something extra, a mere grape would send my thoughts into disarray, as anorexia clawed at every opportunity to destroy me. Painstakingly measuring and calculating how much of each food I could eat. It's so hard to break the habits.
The decrepidness of the situation escalated to a point where I had to count between each mouthful to 20, if I was interrupted I'd begin again. I'd only sit in a certain chair, ate at certain times and with certain bowls.
People still are victims of the common preconception that anorexia is I won't eat, it's more I can't or I can but only this and now. I cannot even delve into it now its far to warm.
I wish I could say I woke up and stopped separating food, it would be so much more simple that way. I also wish so much to tell you how to escape, there really is no specific method. It's just a huge want to be free, mixed with obscene amounts of willpower as you sit and bite by bite undo all the pretentious time consuming habits. You just have to pull it apart until you are the stronger being.
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