am i happy?

I've been absent from the blog world as I have seriously been ridiculously busy. However, now as I take some down time and relax, I realize I miss being able to express myself to no one, or everyone, via a blog. On this date I am 19 years old, I am going to France in 36 days and am happy.

Its not that I am not without worry, I worry about my hair and my skin. I panic about the scratch on my car or the fact that I am going to have to parallel park and yes it is on a hill. I freak out about the fact that my bikini is too small. I 'die a little inside' when I realize I've left the house without my phone. I get a sudden heat as I feel my face turn red as I realize that a. I'm wearing a vest top and b. I haven't shaved my armpits. I cannot decide and fret over whether to choose the pink top or the green. I worry that I won't have enough money to buy petrol, go out for dinner and go out in town a the weekend. I worry I am not pretty enough. I worry no one likes me. Am I too fat? Am I funny?

In the scheme of things though, what is the worst that can happen?
What's the most dire consequence I will be faced with if my skin has imperfections, my hairs out of place or I have got a bit bigger? Will the world stop turning if I do not update instagram and facebook for the day. If someone needs to contact me so bad they'll ring my work. A scratch on my car? At least I have one. Don't put your arms up if your armpits are hairy, frankly no one gives a shit. Pink or green? Go for blue. Am I alive? Am I healthy? Do I have a house, food and a family? Am I loved? Do I have the oppurtunity to fulfil my wishes and wants? Do I have access to technology, chances and jobs? Yes.

I am happy. Happy is not a new phone. Happy is the people around you. Happy is not thin. Happy is healthy. Happy is not vanity. Happy is being loved. Happy is not being popular. Happy is having those you need and need you. Happy is not a possession. Happy is acceptance and what you make of it.

It's been a pretty long while since I've posted

I've been seriously missing in action on this blog and for that I'm sorry, but I've been off gallivanting, drinking eating and living. I'm finally getting used to the fact that I'm alive now and the novelty is wearing off and I'm beginning to dread a Monday morning so I've decided to adapt this blog and redirect focus away from me to topics that other would like me to write about.

I now have a new Instagram @heidisrecoveryhelp

And my email is heidib1995@gmail.com

So go crazy

What's it like to have anorexia? The question I'm most frequently asked. It's such a hard question to answer at the time you're in the thick of it as it's so all consuming that it becomes your life. I couldn't remember or imagine life without anorexia. So it became normal. 

As I finally began to accept I had to do something about my anorexia as I couldn't go on and finally admitted it was a problem I reay realised how horrible it is.

From the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to sleep my full attention would be on how much food I would eat that day, how much exercise I did, how much I weighed and how I could avoid food. I can remember feeling so frightened as you're constantly being told how ill you look, how thin and frail yet looking in the mirror, though you see bones you still feel too big. I couldn't believe a word anyone said.There becomes a point when anorexia becomes you, I was constantly being tormented by ridiculous thoughts. Everyone hates you. If you don't do 200 sit ups an hour your family will die. If you put body lotion on your hands the calories will absorb through your skin. The calories in smells can go through your nose, hold your breath or you'll have to run up the stairs 42 times. Everyone's tricking you, they've put cream in the milk bottle. The diet coke in the can isn't actually diet they made a mistake in the factory you'll have to not eat your apple for lunch. Food cannot touch, don't even think about eating carbs before veg. 

The thoughts though they sounds bizarre were so real. If I didn't follow these ritual so genuinely thought that I would be unloved, or someone close to me would die. It sounds ridiculous, but the anorexia personifies itself, and becomes so powerful.

A letter to myself

Heidi,

If you are reading this now, you're probably in a bad place. Life can get tough sometimes and you probably are just tired or have hit a mere speed bump in recovery. Don't be downhearted, take you're own advice. You know what worked last time. Being thinner, will not increase your worth as a person. It will not make you stronger, beautiful and not perfect. It will make you miserable, sad and unwell. It is not a healthy or realistic desire to fade away into nothingness, similarly it is not a rational thought that one cup of milk will instantly cause you to balloon. To be happy, you need to be alive, for being dead doesn't stop things getting worse; it merely eliminates the chances of things getting better. To stop feeling like this, you need to eat. You need to be strong and deserve a life. As hard as it can be sometimes, you are beautiful, successful, clever and worthy.

You are not ugly, not perfect, you are you. 

how i did it

I was in a position six months ago, where at a dangerously low weight I believed that the only help that would benefit me would be psychological. I was under the misconception that if i 'sorted my head out' everything else would fall into place (eating, weight, behaviors etc). Now I was told at the time by countless professionals that this was not true and that I would not benefit from any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or 'therapy' until my weight was restored to at least a BMI of 17.5.

One of the effects of being underweight and severely malnourished is that your brain, like the majority of other organs in my body begin to shut down. Your body prioritize the calories consumed for vital functions and apparently cognitive function is not one! I found it horrendously to comprehend this as at the time i thought i had the strength of an ox and was completely to capable of carrying out many complex mental processes. In hindsight, at a healthy, i use the term loosely, weight I realize how completely wrong i was, how little concentration i had, my thoughts tunneled into black and white thinking where I, or 'Irene', as My Anorexia is called was always  right and everyone else was out to get me. My day was completely consumed by calorie counting, baking, body checking and exercising yet i thought i had a fabulously busy day with fruitful baking sessions and fast paced walks.

I was weighed biweekly and saw the Urgent Help Service monthly. Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service refused me CBT as did a private therapist due to my low weight. Me and my parents were outraged at this point and we were just fed with the same line over and over 'she needs to eat more'. This infuriated me as it is just not that simple. However, it was a drizzly day in October, Urgent Help Service had just informed me that they were giving me until January to sort myself out and gain weight or they will remove all control.

Immediately Irene reared her ugly head and told me to do everything in my power to make it seem like i was trying. At this point i had no intention of gaining any weight yet three days later i was weighed and for the first time in 4 months had gained 0.1kg.

Realistically now in my logically assured state i am able to comprehend that it was not 'weight' in the form of fat it was most likely fluid, but this was monumental. I felt horrendous but at the same time the relief flooding over me of the fact that i had the option of choosing what to eat, when to challenge myself, how slow/fast to gain reassured me. I realized i would much rather slowly increase my weight giving my mind time to catch up as it is often said that your mind takes a lot longer to recuperate and recover than your body.

I gained very little amounts of weight to begin with but saw positive changes such as warmth, energy, sleep, less aching, more laughing. Now I'm not saying it was easy or that it would work for everyone, but for the moment and hopefully for the foreseeable future it will withstand the test of life. The weight gain, was and still is a struggle, but the more I filled my day with the more of a backseat Irene took. The nourishment in small doses coaxed me towards understanding that I would never be happy with the way I look, but the size of my body would not nor will it ever affect how stronger, better, beautifuller, (is that a word) person I am.

I'm not saying just eat. But I genuinely now as a person of experience that you cannot make an Anorexic want to gain weight until they have gained weight. I will live by that saying. It is all about choices, at some point yes, i was powerless to my anorexia, but it was about making choices to make changes.

I didn't want to change, but knew if i wanted to be as strong as Irene was saying i would be then i was going to have to defy her completely. I believe now and am willing to answer any questions or help anyone who needs it. I really feel like food is the medicine, then the therapy is the rehabilitation as you gradually gain health and strength. I also still completely agree that there should be more help for people with Eating Disorders and food and nutrition guidance should coincide. But hay, that's an ideal world. I'm also going to make a disclaimer, I am not advising anyone to take my word as gospel, or medical advice. Do not just discharge yourself if you are receiving help, you are very lucky - appreciate it. I took every oppurtunity for help thrown at me, i participated in weight restoration planning, anxiety disorder groups, had the Family Eating Disorder Service, Urgent Help Service, Psychiatry, Medication, Meal Planning, Family Therapy, Group Family Therapy. Go out, get a job, enjoy life - happiness is the best medicine.

to all of you

As a teenage girl in modern society there is so many pressures. To be cool, to be pretty, to be normal, to excel academically, to be on trend, to be rich, to be funny, to thin, to be normal - that i think we often lose touch of what is most important. To be all of these things would be a betrayal to yourself, being all of these thing wont make you popular or a better person and they certainly wont make you happy. Happiness comes from freedom, from excitement, from spontaneity, from being a little bit different, from laughing all day, to going for an ice-cream straight after a huge lunch or running around in some dorky clothes because you really do not care. A happy girl is a beautiful one.

Make-up will not make you happy, being size zero certainly won't. Wearing the same clothes as everyone else, liking the same bands wont. Studying extra math to please your parents and teachers even though you despise it and would rather be doing art wont make you happy. Not having a slice of cake when you so desperately long for the creaminess of the butter cream, simply because the girls at school say its important to watch your weight won't make you happy. Dieting wont make you perfect. Nor will it impress him. A hilarious joke or quirky fashion sense with a sparkle in your eye will. Wearing the wrong shirt, not liking the same shops isn't a reason to drag a blade across your skin as punishment, it is a reason to embrace your differences.

Dancing round the room crazily to a silly song, licking the bowl of cake mixture when baking, rolling around on the grass in an old sweater and silly shorts, having the odd hair out of place, a few freckles, a curve instead of a concave, the odd scar or two of what you've overcome is the strength and happiness that defines beauty. To be able to stand up proudly, dust yourself off, survive a hilarious trip in the corridor at school and still be able to shout i am who i am whilst dancing around the room to 'girls just want to have fun' is real happiness.

The scars you hide beneath are nothing to be ashamed of, they are the struggles you've overcome, or the suffering you may be going through. It makes you no less beautiful, quit conforming. No amount of 'ordinary' will make you happy. Its too boring