how i did it

I was in a position six months ago, where at a dangerously low weight I believed that the only help that would benefit me would be psychological. I was under the misconception that if i 'sorted my head out' everything else would fall into place (eating, weight, behaviors etc). Now I was told at the time by countless professionals that this was not true and that I would not benefit from any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or 'therapy' until my weight was restored to at least a BMI of 17.5.

One of the effects of being underweight and severely malnourished is that your brain, like the majority of other organs in my body begin to shut down. Your body prioritize the calories consumed for vital functions and apparently cognitive function is not one! I found it horrendously to comprehend this as at the time i thought i had the strength of an ox and was completely to capable of carrying out many complex mental processes. In hindsight, at a healthy, i use the term loosely, weight I realize how completely wrong i was, how little concentration i had, my thoughts tunneled into black and white thinking where I, or 'Irene', as My Anorexia is called was always  right and everyone else was out to get me. My day was completely consumed by calorie counting, baking, body checking and exercising yet i thought i had a fabulously busy day with fruitful baking sessions and fast paced walks.

I was weighed biweekly and saw the Urgent Help Service monthly. Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service refused me CBT as did a private therapist due to my low weight. Me and my parents were outraged at this point and we were just fed with the same line over and over 'she needs to eat more'. This infuriated me as it is just not that simple. However, it was a drizzly day in October, Urgent Help Service had just informed me that they were giving me until January to sort myself out and gain weight or they will remove all control.

Immediately Irene reared her ugly head and told me to do everything in my power to make it seem like i was trying. At this point i had no intention of gaining any weight yet three days later i was weighed and for the first time in 4 months had gained 0.1kg.

Realistically now in my logically assured state i am able to comprehend that it was not 'weight' in the form of fat it was most likely fluid, but this was monumental. I felt horrendous but at the same time the relief flooding over me of the fact that i had the option of choosing what to eat, when to challenge myself, how slow/fast to gain reassured me. I realized i would much rather slowly increase my weight giving my mind time to catch up as it is often said that your mind takes a lot longer to recuperate and recover than your body.

I gained very little amounts of weight to begin with but saw positive changes such as warmth, energy, sleep, less aching, more laughing. Now I'm not saying it was easy or that it would work for everyone, but for the moment and hopefully for the foreseeable future it will withstand the test of life. The weight gain, was and still is a struggle, but the more I filled my day with the more of a backseat Irene took. The nourishment in small doses coaxed me towards understanding that I would never be happy with the way I look, but the size of my body would not nor will it ever affect how stronger, better, beautifuller, (is that a word) person I am.

I'm not saying just eat. But I genuinely now as a person of experience that you cannot make an Anorexic want to gain weight until they have gained weight. I will live by that saying. It is all about choices, at some point yes, i was powerless to my anorexia, but it was about making choices to make changes.

I didn't want to change, but knew if i wanted to be as strong as Irene was saying i would be then i was going to have to defy her completely. I believe now and am willing to answer any questions or help anyone who needs it. I really feel like food is the medicine, then the therapy is the rehabilitation as you gradually gain health and strength. I also still completely agree that there should be more help for people with Eating Disorders and food and nutrition guidance should coincide. But hay, that's an ideal world. I'm also going to make a disclaimer, I am not advising anyone to take my word as gospel, or medical advice. Do not just discharge yourself if you are receiving help, you are very lucky - appreciate it. I took every oppurtunity for help thrown at me, i participated in weight restoration planning, anxiety disorder groups, had the Family Eating Disorder Service, Urgent Help Service, Psychiatry, Medication, Meal Planning, Family Therapy, Group Family Therapy. Go out, get a job, enjoy life - happiness is the best medicine.

to all of you

As a teenage girl in modern society there is so many pressures. To be cool, to be pretty, to be normal, to excel academically, to be on trend, to be rich, to be funny, to thin, to be normal - that i think we often lose touch of what is most important. To be all of these things would be a betrayal to yourself, being all of these thing wont make you popular or a better person and they certainly wont make you happy. Happiness comes from freedom, from excitement, from spontaneity, from being a little bit different, from laughing all day, to going for an ice-cream straight after a huge lunch or running around in some dorky clothes because you really do not care. A happy girl is a beautiful one.

Make-up will not make you happy, being size zero certainly won't. Wearing the same clothes as everyone else, liking the same bands wont. Studying extra math to please your parents and teachers even though you despise it and would rather be doing art wont make you happy. Not having a slice of cake when you so desperately long for the creaminess of the butter cream, simply because the girls at school say its important to watch your weight won't make you happy. Dieting wont make you perfect. Nor will it impress him. A hilarious joke or quirky fashion sense with a sparkle in your eye will. Wearing the wrong shirt, not liking the same shops isn't a reason to drag a blade across your skin as punishment, it is a reason to embrace your differences.

Dancing round the room crazily to a silly song, licking the bowl of cake mixture when baking, rolling around on the grass in an old sweater and silly shorts, having the odd hair out of place, a few freckles, a curve instead of a concave, the odd scar or two of what you've overcome is the strength and happiness that defines beauty. To be able to stand up proudly, dust yourself off, survive a hilarious trip in the corridor at school and still be able to shout i am who i am whilst dancing around the room to 'girls just want to have fun' is real happiness.

The scars you hide beneath are nothing to be ashamed of, they are the struggles you've overcome, or the suffering you may be going through. It makes you no less beautiful, quit conforming. No amount of 'ordinary' will make you happy. Its too boring

a letter to an ex-frien

I'm having mixed feelings at the present. Whilst I'm becoming more and more flexible with my food I'm struggling to come to terms that i will need to let go of my eating disorder. My crutch, my coping mechanism, my friend, my best friend. My anorexia over the past two years although not always for good reasons has been there, it became personified and she was always there for me to rely. So anorexia this one is for you.

Dearest Ana,
You've been in my life two years now. You were there from the moment I got up to the moment i fell asleep, often joining me in sleep to. You were often my only Allie, the only one who understood. When i wasn't in control, when i was stressed or everything was getting on top of me you made me believe i was winning. You made me believe that i could overcome my issues and problems by not eating and having you on my side. You promised me I'd be happier if i was pretty and things would be easier if i was thinner. These promises you could keep, you lied to me. But as the weight dropped off I became more and more miserable. You left me a shadow of my former self, a skeletal frail little girl. You nearly killed me Ana, I was dying.

When i had no where else to turn you were there and i suppose i thank you for that. When i was unhappy you made me feel heard. You made me feel wanted but at the same time worthless so i became more determined to please you. You've made me more resilient and if it wasn't for you being so bloody pushy i wouldn't be so successful in ridding myself of you.

You taunted me with words of hatred, telling me i was useless, worthless and undeserving, yet somehow for some reason i warmed to you. You warped and twisted my brain into believing you would help me. I was so tired Ana, so hungry. You made me feel stupid, ugly and sorry. I didn't need to be sorry, so Ana I'm writing this to you, I've written such things many times before but this is for real this time. Ana, i don't need you anymore, we are no longer friends.

I am a stronger person now, perhaps i have you to thank for that. I no longer have the hunger for control. I'm not happy with my body, then again who is? However, i do not need to punish myself for this, for this is who i am. Ana i am in control of my life, if i can't cope i can ask for help. It does not mean I'm weak. By not eating i do not make myself a better person, for my weight does not and never has nor will define my worth. I am beginning to like myself Ana, can you believe it? I put myself down for so long, i bet you never thought I'd see the day. Ana you are no longer wanted, i will enjoy my meals and live my life free of your grasp. I no longer want to be dictated by you and the numbers on a scale or calorie counter.

Nothing tastes as good as thing feels Ana? Wrong thin feels tired, painful and weak and bannoffee pie is divine. Fat is bad? Legs together thighs apart? No Ana, i was not built that way, when i was that small my bones dug into my mattress and i felt a cold that I'd never felt. I felt it right deep into my bones, now i feel full of energy and life. Ana you've dominated my life for far too long, you've lied to me and tricked me into believing i was worthless. You made me feel in control but really you had captured me and dulled me down. I don't need you Ana, you are nothing.