a letter to an ex-frien

I'm having mixed feelings at the present. Whilst I'm becoming more and more flexible with my food I'm struggling to come to terms that i will need to let go of my eating disorder. My crutch, my coping mechanism, my friend, my best friend. My anorexia over the past two years although not always for good reasons has been there, it became personified and she was always there for me to rely. So anorexia this one is for you.

Dearest Ana,
You've been in my life two years now. You were there from the moment I got up to the moment i fell asleep, often joining me in sleep to. You were often my only Allie, the only one who understood. When i wasn't in control, when i was stressed or everything was getting on top of me you made me believe i was winning. You made me believe that i could overcome my issues and problems by not eating and having you on my side. You promised me I'd be happier if i was pretty and things would be easier if i was thinner. These promises you could keep, you lied to me. But as the weight dropped off I became more and more miserable. You left me a shadow of my former self, a skeletal frail little girl. You nearly killed me Ana, I was dying.

When i had no where else to turn you were there and i suppose i thank you for that. When i was unhappy you made me feel heard. You made me feel wanted but at the same time worthless so i became more determined to please you. You've made me more resilient and if it wasn't for you being so bloody pushy i wouldn't be so successful in ridding myself of you.

You taunted me with words of hatred, telling me i was useless, worthless and undeserving, yet somehow for some reason i warmed to you. You warped and twisted my brain into believing you would help me. I was so tired Ana, so hungry. You made me feel stupid, ugly and sorry. I didn't need to be sorry, so Ana I'm writing this to you, I've written such things many times before but this is for real this time. Ana, i don't need you anymore, we are no longer friends.

I am a stronger person now, perhaps i have you to thank for that. I no longer have the hunger for control. I'm not happy with my body, then again who is? However, i do not need to punish myself for this, for this is who i am. Ana i am in control of my life, if i can't cope i can ask for help. It does not mean I'm weak. By not eating i do not make myself a better person, for my weight does not and never has nor will define my worth. I am beginning to like myself Ana, can you believe it? I put myself down for so long, i bet you never thought I'd see the day. Ana you are no longer wanted, i will enjoy my meals and live my life free of your grasp. I no longer want to be dictated by you and the numbers on a scale or calorie counter.

Nothing tastes as good as thing feels Ana? Wrong thin feels tired, painful and weak and bannoffee pie is divine. Fat is bad? Legs together thighs apart? No Ana, i was not built that way, when i was that small my bones dug into my mattress and i felt a cold that I'd never felt. I felt it right deep into my bones, now i feel full of energy and life. Ana you've dominated my life for far too long, you've lied to me and tricked me into believing i was worthless. You made me feel in control but really you had captured me and dulled me down. I don't need you Ana, you are nothing.