Bank Holiday Monday

As a child i can remember the anticipation i felt in the days prior to a bank holiday, as i relished in the thought of an extra day off. Now at 18 I dread a day of work in a busy cafe full of rude impatient old age pensioners eagerly awaiting an afternoon cream tea. Not even time and a half is enough to deter my angst towards the thought of screaming children and upper class Londoner's seeking solace from the busy city streets only to find themselves knee deep in foreign students with manners almost appalling as their's.

I can remember being desperate to grow up and gain independence and earn money; yet now as i consummate a fair quantity of money and am finally able to drive, i find myself longing for the carefree days of my preteens. Where my biggest worry was who i was going to sit next to on the coach on a forthcoming school trip or what i was going to wear for mufti day. I find myself faced with somewhat substantial life changing decisions such as university and foremost which path i choose to take my life, whilst I cant even make a small change to the amount of milk i have with breakfast. I am faced with an impending feeling of doom that this will last forever.

It is while writing this that I am telling myself that i am the author of this here life and coinciding with this it is my choices that decide how i am controlled by my eating disorder. Making decisions ultimately that now may go against my better nature may petrify me profusely will do me a greater deal of good in the long run. For if i was to deny myself the mere grape i have been craving or the slice of fruitcake ive been looking at for so long i would remain stuck still in the depths of the portentous demon in my mind. For if i want to be free you must push yourself. Break the barriers and habits formed. I don't want to fear the unknown i want to relish it, the spontaneity of life. I want to be 65 and at the drop of a hat deciding to go sky diving, because i coud afford it, was healthy enough and because I wanted too. I want to look forward to the buzz of a busy workplace on bank holiday Monday, share the excitement of children as they enter the cafe ready for ice cream and cake. I want to be able to sit with my children and eat cake and ice cream with them and savour the taste both. The time is now for me to escape anorexia, im over being controlled by the alarming desire for perfection.

It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. -Abigail Adams

too many posts, spoil a blog?

Much the same as 'too many cooks spoil the broth' I am plagued by the idea that if i am posting too many posts people may find me irritating, there are just so many things i wish to write. So many experiences and lessons that i've learnt and wish to share. But for fear of scaring you all away im disheartened to be a frequent blogger. ive tried to stick with a post a day but already i have completely infringed this original stratagem. So as follows this post there will be another, my apologies.

Beautiful girls,

Wash off that unneeded make up, you're beautiful as you. Quit dieting and exercising on the perilous quest to be perfect, for who is? Your flaws define you, they shape and teach you. Learning is the key of your success. Wear the crazy clothes you want, fashion is wearing the clothes that you feel happy in, for it is there to make you happy not anyone else. Ditch the friends who tell you you are stupid and unsuccessful, don't let anyone crush your self worth. You are the author of your life, learn from the paragraphs, spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Bloopers are things that make for a better ending. Having to work at being you is the first you can get from being real. Falsities and fakery make a deceitful happiness and that will not lead to purposeful living.

Breathe, put down the blade.

Smile, and stand up tall.

Delete the negativity out of your life

Illuminate the successes 

Embrace the hilarity of your falls

They are a mere fragment of the making of your positive attributes which shape the beautiful you. 

My darling Miss Binns

This post is dedicated to one of the very few positive influences anorexia has had on my life. 

Had we not have been thrown together by the demonic, veracious grip of our eating disorders she wouldn't have aided me in the saving of my health and rescuing of my self. 

I remember first meeting Miss Binns at the taster session for our intensive Multi group family therapy course* we had been told to go to by our CAMHS** workers. At this point firmly in the grip if Anorexia I can remember thinking why the hell am I here? These girls are tiny I'm huge... Sitting in tears I saw a minuscule blonde girl walking looking absolutely petrified. I caught her eye and I can remember her just giving me this look which almost said, it's ok I'm scared to. Since first meeting her although I didn't speak to her for very long at that initial meeting we began texting. We texted all day everyday. For the first time someone understood, it was such a relief to be getting such amazing support. I received endless encouraging text frequently reminding me why I was doing this, not to give up and tell me how beautiful I am. At fifteen Miss Binns had been through so much but was still going, she's incredibly brave, clever and not to mention beautiful. He's bloody hilarious and if it wasn't for her I think I'd be in a hospital somewhere frozen in the wrath of my eating disorder. She's fiercely determined to beat this and I'm in debt to her entirely.

My darling, you're beautiful and clever and amazing and I am blessed to know you! You deserve the fantastic life planned out for you and adore you. You can do this! Fuck gretel you need to go out partying! I'm stupendously proud of you for working so hard and studying so hard with your exams! You deserve to do incredibly well. 

I love you